It is one of some import, and requires some discretion as well.
[He indulges in petting Xiao's hair for a few moments longer, and then lets his hands rest on his lap.]
I am leaving the Black Order soon.
Barbatos has regained his divinity. What will happen, then, if Beelzebul and I regain ours? What will the Black Order do with multiple gods beneath their bidding, knowing their ruthless and unfeeling history? They have sacrificed innocent people in Kaisou before. They would do so again if the opportunity arose.
[His gaze narrows.]
While I am bound by an agreement I negotiated myself, the same cannot be said for the hundreds of people they have coerced into signing their lives away. The ink of those bad-faith contracts has ever stained my hands black. I feel their weight now more than ever. Many of my comrades expressed regret for their choice, which in truth was not a choice at all.
[He closes his eyes.]
I turned my gaze away from the truth for five hundred years—thinking I could do nothing in any capacity, believing it had nothing to do with me. My contract with the Black Order was my punishment for failing you and Azhdaha. I was honor-bound to live in the chains I had forged myself.
... I will tolerate the Order's arrogance no longer.
[ xiao listens quietly, eyes drifting closed as zhongli begins to talk. he never once thought ill of his father for his decision to bind himself to the order, he did so in order to try and help someone they both loved dearly - were their positions swapped xiao would have done the same - but he did loathe the hold the organization had on him. he wanted nothing more than to free him from the chains that bound him, to somehow free both his father and azhdaha for good. a goal that seemed hopeless at first and only continued to look more and more unlikely, at least within his own power.
still, xiao held out hope, still holds out hope, that eventually they will find a way to shatter those chains for good. ]
I am glad to hear it. [ he turns his head, looking up at zhongli, his gaze sharp and serious yet still holding a softness to them. ] You have spent too long bound, fùqīn, too long punishing yourself for a perceived failure. You did not fail me, just as you did not fail Azhdaha. You did all that you could with what power you had.
[ he found xiao again, saved him once again, and gave him life and purpose. ]
It goes without saying I will support you through this, in whatever way you need. I desire nothing more than to see you freed from your chains, to see you take to the skies without fear of being dragged back down to the earth.
[Of course Xiao would rebel against that assumption, but his words still affect Zhongli nonetheless. You did not fail Azhdaha. But, didn't he? Zhongli's original plan to buy time—hadn't he given up on it at some point, resigned to his fate?
It's a fine mess he got them all into, but he's heard over and over from the loved ones in his life that Azhdaha would not like to see him suffering. And so... he must end this.]
... Thank you, [he says after a moment, his voice thicker than usual.] Once I have a solid plan in place I'll inform you of the details. Azhdaha will need to be escorted from the Black Order's headquarters, and I am not sure how to do that yet.
[He gazes at the young adeptus. Then he lifts his hand, and resumes filtering his hand through Xiao's hair.
He knows he's about to say something his son won't like.]
Xiao... When all is said and done, I... must erase myself from the records of this world. In this way I can retain a portion of my power, and I can still protect those who have fled the Order. But this will have consequences.
The Order will forget me. The countless friends I have made in faraway places, our distant cousins... even Azhdaha should he ever regain himself—none of them will recall that an old man like me had ever existed.
[His amber eyes soften.]
So I must leave everything to you. The new apartment will be in your name, along with all of my other assets. [His Black Order backpay, though.] I am told that the money owed to me should be enough to comfortably live on for a long while.
[But if Xiao should forget his past... Zhongli is fairly sure he'll be forgotten even by his son. Even by Barbatos. It's all the more important to keep them close, to keep them safe. To help them remember, if they forget.]
It is a great deal of responsibility, but it is time for you to learn how to live alongside mortals in this world. I will, of course, still be beside you through all of this.
[Just free of taxes and poorly-spelled junk mail.]
[ he is right, his son does not like his words. even with the fingers threading gently through his hair xiao tenses, his gaze snapping toward his father beside him. he listens patiently but with each word the frown on his expression deepens and his displeasure bleeds from him. it is almost unsettling that there is a method that can erase zhongli from the records of the very world itself, making it as though he has never existed in the first place.
it's unsettling that not only the order but countless friends and distant cousins and azhdaha himself will forget him. what if xiao forgets him? his father, his saviour, his friend, his god. something small and dark crawls up his throat, coiling around it, as xiao's gaze moves from his father's form to the city before him. when all is said and done, zhongli will erase himself from the narrative. ]
Must you? [ the question comes from a much smaller voice than before, the wind almost swallowing it as it whips around them. ] If you do this... if you erase yourself. Will I forget you? What of my memories from before? Will they remain? Or will I forget how you freed me from my chains, how you granted me new life and a new name?
[ he does not like this. he does not like this at all. must he lose another? after finding him once again in this life, must he lose him again? in this moment he feels nothing like the powerful yaksha he is supposed to be. in this moment he feels small and scared, a child gripped by the terror of losing the foundation beneath their feet. he thought, at long last, things could go back to a semblance of what it was life before azhdaha began to lose himself - especially once venti returned to their lives - he thought... ]
[Zhongli stops with the hair petting when it becomes clear that Xiao is rebelling. He doesn't want to overwhelm him or upset him further, so he remains close instead, with his hands in his lap.
... It hurts. Hearing Xiao's voice in that tone brings back all sorts of memories, not necessarily good ones. He has so many pointed questions and they are all valid. But though Zhongli feels the cracks in his heart widening, he stays resolute.
This is what he has chosen.]
There was... someone. There must have been someone, but I no longer remember. I only recall seeing the ashes of a book in the fire at Alexandria and understanding what we had done... I realized that in order to be truly free, to rectify the mistake I made five hundred years ago, I must give more of myself.
[He takes in a deep breath.]
You won't forget me immediately, I suspect due to the influence of the Spirit Vein. Perhaps you won't forget me at all. Others have left the Black Order using similar magic, and they are doing well—and they are remembered.
But it is a risk, and one I must accept. I cannot allow the Order to find us.
As for Venti... he does not like it, but he knows that my options are limited. There is a possibility he could forget me as well. It's all the more reason for me to stay close to you both.
[His amber eyes are gentle and warm, yet they hold an ancient sadness that sinks to the core of the earth.]
I regret that such a sacrifice also takes something from you. You have lost so much in this life and the last. It grieves me that I must add to it.
[He leans in, then, and rests his forehead against Xiao's. When he speaks again, his voice is low but firm.]
I will never give up my love for you, nor the memories we share as a family. I will carry them to the end—be it my own end, or that of this world.
I will always be your father. Even if one day you should no longer recognize me, I will watch over you as I have always done.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[He indulges in petting Xiao's hair for a few moments longer, and then lets his hands rest on his lap.]
I am leaving the Black Order soon.
Barbatos has regained his divinity. What will happen, then, if Beelzebul and I regain ours? What will the Black Order do with multiple gods beneath their bidding, knowing their ruthless and unfeeling history? They have sacrificed innocent people in Kaisou before. They would do so again if the opportunity arose.
[His gaze narrows.]
While I am bound by an agreement I negotiated myself, the same cannot be said for the hundreds of people they have coerced into signing their lives away. The ink of those bad-faith contracts has ever stained my hands black. I feel their weight now more than ever. Many of my comrades expressed regret for their choice, which in truth was not a choice at all.
[He closes his eyes.]
I turned my gaze away from the truth for five hundred years—thinking I could do nothing in any capacity, believing it had nothing to do with me. My contract with the Black Order was my punishment for failing you and Azhdaha. I was honor-bound to live in the chains I had forged myself.
... I will tolerate the Order's arrogance no longer.
no subject
still, xiao held out hope, still holds out hope, that eventually they will find a way to shatter those chains for good. ]
I am glad to hear it. [ he turns his head, looking up at zhongli, his gaze sharp and serious yet still holding a softness to them. ] You have spent too long bound, fùqīn, too long punishing yourself for a perceived failure. You did not fail me, just as you did not fail Azhdaha. You did all that you could with what power you had.
[ he found xiao again, saved him once again, and gave him life and purpose. ]
It goes without saying I will support you through this, in whatever way you need. I desire nothing more than to see you freed from your chains, to see you take to the skies without fear of being dragged back down to the earth.
1/2
It's a fine mess he got them all into, but he's heard over and over from the loved ones in his life that Azhdaha would not like to see him suffering. And so... he must end this.]
... Thank you, [he says after a moment, his voice thicker than usual.] Once I have a solid plan in place I'll inform you of the details. Azhdaha will need to be escorted from the Black Order's headquarters, and I am not sure how to do that yet.
[He gazes at the young adeptus. Then he lifts his hand, and resumes filtering his hand through Xiao's hair.
He knows he's about to say something his son won't like.]
no subject
The Order will forget me. The countless friends I have made in faraway places, our distant cousins... even Azhdaha should he ever regain himself—none of them will recall that an old man like me had ever existed.
[His amber eyes soften.]
So I must leave everything to you. The new apartment will be in your name, along with all of my other assets. [His Black Order backpay, though.] I am told that the money owed to me should be enough to comfortably live on for a long while.
[But if Xiao should forget his past... Zhongli is fairly sure he'll be forgotten even by his son. Even by Barbatos. It's all the more important to keep them close, to keep them safe. To help them remember, if they forget.]
It is a great deal of responsibility, but it is time for you to learn how to live alongside mortals in this world. I will, of course, still be beside you through all of this.
[Just free of taxes and poorly-spelled junk mail.]
no subject
it's unsettling that not only the order but countless friends and distant cousins and azhdaha himself will forget him. what if xiao forgets him? his father, his saviour, his friend, his god. something small and dark crawls up his throat, coiling around it, as xiao's gaze moves from his father's form to the city before him. when all is said and done, zhongli will erase himself from the narrative. ]
Must you? [ the question comes from a much smaller voice than before, the wind almost swallowing it as it whips around them. ] If you do this... if you erase yourself. Will I forget you? What of my memories from before? Will they remain? Or will I forget how you freed me from my chains, how you granted me new life and a new name?
[ he does not like this. he does not like this at all. must he lose another? after finding him once again in this life, must he lose him again? in this moment he feels nothing like the powerful yaksha he is supposed to be. in this moment he feels small and scared, a child gripped by the terror of losing the foundation beneath their feet. he thought, at long last, things could go back to a semblance of what it was life before azhdaha began to lose himself - especially once venti returned to their lives - he thought... ]
What of Venti?
no subject
... It hurts. Hearing Xiao's voice in that tone brings back all sorts of memories, not necessarily good ones. He has so many pointed questions and they are all valid. But though Zhongli feels the cracks in his heart widening, he stays resolute.
This is what he has chosen.]
There was... someone. There must have been someone, but I no longer remember. I only recall seeing the ashes of a book in the fire at Alexandria and understanding what we had done... I realized that in order to be truly free, to rectify the mistake I made five hundred years ago, I must give more of myself.
[He takes in a deep breath.]
You won't forget me immediately, I suspect due to the influence of the Spirit Vein. Perhaps you won't forget me at all. Others have left the Black Order using similar magic, and they are doing well—and they are remembered.
But it is a risk, and one I must accept. I cannot allow the Order to find us.
As for Venti... he does not like it, but he knows that my options are limited. There is a possibility he could forget me as well. It's all the more reason for me to stay close to you both.
[His amber eyes are gentle and warm, yet they hold an ancient sadness that sinks to the core of the earth.]
I regret that such a sacrifice also takes something from you. You have lost so much in this life and the last. It grieves me that I must add to it.
[He leans in, then, and rests his forehead against Xiao's. When he speaks again, his voice is low but firm.]
I will never give up my love for you, nor the memories we share as a family. I will carry them to the end—be it my own end, or that of this world.
I will always be your father. Even if one day you should no longer recognize me, I will watch over you as I have always done.
That is my oath. My promise is as solid as stone.